Life a Death Live Blogging: Chapter Five

Evening! (Or morning, or afternoon)

So I got a little carried away in the bath last night and read 3 chapters of Life and Death. Help, what if this is a spiral into the Twilight universe that I have to escape a second time? I was too tired (and warm) to be productive and write about any of the chapters, so I'll write up Chapter Five now!

Chapter Five - Blood Type

'Yesyesyesyes! I want to see LadyEd carry BeauBella!! I cannot wait to read this'- a quote taken directly from my brain last night.

'Patches of red formed on my face as I hurried to my seat.' That doesn't sound healthy.

'It wasn't until class was over that I noticed that McKayla wasn't sitting next to me like she usually did'. I'm sorry BeauBella, but this may be why you had no friends in Phoenix. How can you not notice someone isn't sat next to you for an entire lesson, even if you don't care too much about them?


'Would she ignore me like usual?' I don't think you can be too offended if she does, seeing as you just forgot about the existence of a perfectly normal human being for a whole lesson.

'I think I grunted in the right places' - I'm imagining an acapella group made up entirely of grunting teenage boys.

'Disappointment hit like a punch in the gut. There were only four people there' - you know, it must be so freaking annoying to be Jasper (or Jessamine) when this kind of thing happens. Not only are you holding yourself back from massacring the entire year group (tell me again why the Cullens risk every human life in the school so that they can blend in?), but, probably on a regular basis, random teenagers suddenly explode with emotion. Whether it's linked to you or not, if you are Jasper, you can feel it all. God damn. Or perhaps he enjoys himself by making experiences like this feel like a literal punch in the gut? How hilarious would it be to hear a kid say 'I'm so scared I'm going to piss myself'...and then have the power to actually make that happen. Mwahaha.

Don't worry BeauBella, LadyEd is there after all.

'Her dimples flashed as soon as she knew I'd seen her.' Ok, I get that dimples are cute but how do they flash? Also, not making her seem like a dangerous monster right now.

'She raised one hand and motioned with her index finger for me to join her.' Aha, I pretended to do this in the bath last night. I know it means that she beckoned, but in my head (and re-enactment) it looks stupid.

'As I stared, she winked.' I'm sorry but the image of this scary girl (with dimples) with her arm in the air, using once finger to beckon and then also winking, makes me laugh. I don't know why.

'"Does she mean you?" Jeremy asked.' I know right, Jeremy. There is nothing interesting about BeauBella. Apart from the fact he smells like a good meal and his boring thoughts are quieter than other peoples. THAT IS LITERALLY THE BASIS OF THE ATTRACTION.

'"Your friends are upset that I've stolen you." Suddenly I could feel all their eyes boring into my back.' That sounds incredibly painful :/

'"I always say too much when I'm talking to you, that's one of the problems."' LadyEd, you have said barely anything to him all book. I know it feels like you've been there a lot, because BeauBella is a little obsessed, but the majority of the time has been spent in his head, where he has been judging every person he has ever met - including you.

'Funny how my stomach was rolling. Was it because I was hungry after all?' Well you've only had a lemonade all day, I'm going to guess the answer is yes. Or maybe your instincts are telling you to RUN AWAY from the weird girl who doesn't eat, says she's dangerous and avoids sunlight.

'"I'm wondering what you are"'. I know we all know what she is, but if you suspected someone in your life was not a human, would you tell them that?! You aren't friends, you're a bit scared of them and you already for certain know that they are very strong. She's already told you she'd dangerous! This does not seem like the logical thing to say, is all I'm trying to express here.

'My neck got hot, and I assumed - unattractively blotchy.' So basically all your blood has rushed to the surface of your skin. This is like waving a bacon sandwich in front of a hungover Clair, and attaching a big flashing sign to it. I feel really sorry for LadyEd - perhaps she should just have bitten him here and ended the book?

'Her lips pouting out in a distracting way' all I can see reading some of the descriptions of LadyEd's facial movements is Robert Pattinson pulling ridiculous faces of disgust.

'"No, I'm not hungry." She smiled as if I was missing some inside joke.' SHE WANTS TO EAT YOU.

I like that in this book, when BeauBella starts to guess, LadyEd genuinely seems concerned he might get it right. But lets be honest, why the hell would someone think there was an actual vampire in the school? Such a ridiculous use of immortality.

'The incongruity of the word dangerous applied to her slim and perfect body.' One, she is wearing a lot of clothes, she may not be 'perfect'. Two, please don't put perfect and slim in the same sentence it freaks my sensitive ego out.

This is a really long chapter. I thought the blood typing and the lunch were separate. AAH.

So yeah, the coming scene was one of my favourite in the original book. I can't wait to see how it plays out here...

The teacher totally stabs McKayla with the prongs, making her bleed with completely zero consent gained.

One issue that instantly arises from BeauBella feeling faint, is that McKayla has to help him out of class. In Twilight, Mike had Bella leaning against him, and I bet that made him feel v manly and strong. Mckayla is obviously shorter than the tall (as we have been told many times) BeauBella, so it doesn't work as well.

'Please let me not vomit on her'.  AHAHA can you imagine?! I threw up on a work colleague's arm when he was taking an extremely drunken me home safely. The poor guy. Luckily, I cannot remember it.

'"I have a weak vasovagal system" I muttered. "It's just a neurally mediated syncope."' Says the boy who has obviously had to explain his none-manly phobia of blood for a while. Also, I have a slight medical training background and I do not know what the last three words mean.

'I wished I felt more normal so I can could appreciate that more - her body touching mine. I knew that under normal circumstances I would be enjoying this.' I bet you would,

'"Oh my" a male voice gasped.' Teeheehee

LadyEd stands a little away from BeauBella when he's in the medical room. 'Her eyes were bright, excited.' She wants to eat you!!!!!!!!

'"People can't smell blood" Edythe contradicted.' There are many people who would like to disagree with you about this. So many people.

'"It warms my cold heart to see you learning so quickly."' In which LadyEd is all of us.

'The smooth roll of her hips was just as hypnotic as her eyes.' I WISH THIS HAD BEEN USED TO DESCRIBE EDWARDS WALK OH MY GOD. Strut, Edward!


CARINE AND ERNEST. I can't remember if their names have already been mentioned (or even if I have already mentioned their names in this post - I wrote half of it 2 week ago) but CARINE AND ERNEST are Carlisle and Esme...

And this ends this chapter. Not quite as dramatic as I was hoping. I wanted LadyEd to sweep BeauBella off his feet,  but oh well!